[Originally sent out December 24, 2021 in my 24 Days of Christmas newsletter]

And now, the final story — which was going to be longer and include more thorough legal analysis, but I ran out of time — SANTA V. SATAN.

Satan sues Santa for trademark and trade dress infringement and dilution. Santa’s name and red suit are confusingly similar to Satan’s. And Santa monitors young children to determine their degree of naughtiness, as does Satan, but Santa tries to get them to be good, which dilutes Satan’s brand.

Satan lines up an elite law firm to represent him. Santa is confident in his pro se abilities. But he shouldn’t be because Santa isn’t the best at intellectual property. He has elves making exact reproductions of famous toys in his workshop.

Satan burns through all his lawyers in two weeks, as fast as the firm can put new associates on his case. By the end the only lawyer left alive at the firm is the managing partner. Over a game of golf, he pleads with Satan to give him a week to staff up again with eager new associates.

But Satan is impatient and he challenges Santa to settle the lawsuit with a test of powers. Santa agrees because he’s confident the power of love and goodness will win. Santa tries to find the perfect present for Satan, but finds he cannot due to the inherent paradox – only evil things make Satan happy, and Santa cannot produce them. Satan transforms himself into a reindeer and flies around to taunt Santa. But wait! He loves being a reindeer. All his evil energy is channeled into his red nose. The rest of him is pure and good. Santa magic!

So that’s how Rudolf joined Santa’s team and Satan was defeated forever by the power of love.