Here’s something that actually happened to me:

Two companies worked together on an online system. The system had a problem that could not be fixed, but we needed to figure out what actions to take that would clean it up as much as possible.

During the negotiation, I was frustrated that the other party kept blaming my client entirely for the problem. In my view, it was clear they had very significantly contributed to the problem. I wanted them to acknowledge this, because they needed to make some changes to prevent the problem from reoccurring.

I kept coming back to this point more and more forcefully, and the other company’s representative kept deflecting blame in increasingly desperate ways. Finally, they said, “You keep blaming us! We’re doing our best! And now you’re being sarcastic. We don’t deserve to be talked to like that.” And… they started crying.

So I knew I had gone a little too far.

Here’s how I responded:

Let’s try to reset. First of all, I apologize for my tone. I didn’t intend any disrespect at all. In fact, I really appreciate that you’re here with us and we’re trying to resolve this problem together. And I completely hear you about all the ways you’ve been trying to help from the beginning, and agree that you’ve taken a lot of steps to try to fix this.

The reason I keep bringing up this point isn’t to disrespect your efforts or try to put all the blame on you. It’s because I want to fix this and be sure it won’t happen again. And I kept harping on this — too much, clearly — because I’m concerned that if you really think nothing went wrong on your side and it was all on ours, you won’t think you need to change anything, and we both need to make changes for this to work.

So, I acknowledged what happened, took responsibility (because when they said my tone had become sarcastic, I realized they were right — I had let my frustration get the better of me, and that’s not okay), and tried to re-establish mutual respect and trust. Then, I explained my concern.

They responded by saying:

Thank you for apologizing. And I’m sorry my emotions got out of hand. It’s just, we’re a small company and you’re trying to put all the liability for this on us. We need to be really careful about that.

Now I understood why they were so reluctant to take responsibility. They were worried about getting sued. They were bending over backwards to avoid making any statement that could be construed as admitting they did something wrong.

So I said:

Now I understand the concern. I won’t push you to admit fault. That’s not the goal here. I really just want to move forward and make sure the problem doesn’t happen again. So let’s move past the conversation about responsibility and focus on what actions we can both take.

And after that, we were able to reset. When the conversation started to get off track, we’d remind each other: we’re focusing on the future, not the past. By the end, we had come up with a collaborative solution, and they thanked me and even asked me for advice about other issues they were working on.

The lesson? Negotiations can (will) go wrong, and you can reset them. Come back to core principles: establish mutual respect, communicate about each party’s interests, and focus on the desired outcome.