Knitting club, softest cashmere, and Brooke Shields in Scotland. Rating: one million.

[Originally sent out December 2021 in 24 Days of Christmas newsletter]

Up at 3 a.m. and instead of breathing deeply while meditating on all for which I am grateful, I grabbed my laptop to watch my first real Christmas movie of the season. I intended to watch The Knight Before Christmas on Netflix, recommended by a friend (hi Jessica!), but A Castle for Christmas caught my eye. The main character falls in love with a grumpy dude who owns a castle? I’m a sucker for Pride and Prejudice variations.

Incidentally, as much as I love holiday movies, every year they cause me to violate my No White Supremacy Pledge. Normally I decline to watch movies that have exclusively white people as major characters. But Brooke Shields as a vacationing novelist and Cary Elwes as the grumpy duke! Come on.

We get the premise, BAM, in the first 4 minutes. In her recently published novel, the twentieth in a beloved series, author Sophie killed off the character all her fans were in love with. On the Drew Barrymore show, Drew sides with the angry fans: “What right do you have to take Winston away from us? Just because you had a messy divorce doesn’t mean you have to take it out on Winston!” (All quotes paraphrased. I am not a professional TV reviewer; I’m not going back to watch this five times to get it right.) And then Brooke Shields, in a fantastic scenery-chewing moment, stares into the faces of her horrified former fans and shouts that she should have chopped Winston into tiny little pieces and fed him to sharks.

Her college-age daughter comforts her at home and reminds her how much she loves Scottish castles. Five minutes and thirty seconds into A Castle for Christmas, Brooke and I are landing in Scotland. And two minutes later, Brooke is literally falling into Cary’s arms, pushed by a mischievous castle-dwelling dog. The economy of this movie!

Eight minutes in: hey, there’s a Black innkeeper in this movie! Yay, now I can enjoy it with a clearer conscience, even though the existence of castles themselves imply a capitalist oppression that… wait, no. Stop. That’s a daytime thought.

Ten minutes in: Sophie is riding her bike to Dun Dunbar, the castle she came to visit. And she’s staying at a B&B called the Castle Inn. Which makes me wonder, which castle is the titular castle, and is Cary the Castle Inn caretaker but the grumpy Dun Dunbar duke is a different guy, and there’s a love triangle where the duke and caretaker both fall for Sophie? Obviously she would go with the caretaker to avoid a “Pretty In Pink” situation where for years everyone would say, “Love the movie, but hate the ending.” That’s my current prediction.

13:30 Okay, Cary is ALSO at this castle and he IS clearly the duke, but keeps it on the DL, telling Sophie only that Dun Dunbar is owned by “some royal arse.” Hamish the dog loves Sophie even though he usually hates strangers. (“So do you,” the cab driver points out to Cary in an earlier dog scene. Yes, we get it.) Sophie gets a private tour during which she feels entitled to touch the furniture. She has some family history here; maybe this castle was originally owned by her family? Also, Cary Elwes’ Scottish brogue!

14:30 Sophie was told to stay put, but the moment Cary walks away to talk to a prospective wedding couple who want to use the castle as a venue, she sneaks upstairs to the twelve bedrooms. She whispers to herself as she walks around: there are three doors, circular stairway. Clearly remembering details for her next book.

16:00 Oh no, she got caught, and he kicked her out! But first they argue about gawkers and Americans fantasizing that they’re descended from Mary, Queen of Scots. “Stay out of places you don’t belong,” he warns her.

18:00 Back at the Castle B&B, Sophie meets the locals, and one of them is a baker with a plate of homemade biscuits! I love me a baker in a holiday movie.

19:20 Sophie reveals the family connection. Her grandfather was the caretaker for Dun Dunbar, and lived just outside the gates. Her father, as a child, wasn’t allowed in the house. The writers of this movie are so considerate of not only our valuable time, but also our concerns about capitalism.

20:11 OMG. The castle is for sale! Sophie is rich. She’s going to buy a castle! And she and Cary will reign there forevermore. (Another prediction. But they did say the castle is for sale, and there are no wasted words in this movie.)

20:37 I want Sophie’s wardrobe of softest cashmere.

20:53 Cary’s financial person says they’ve received a rather large offer for the castle! Can’t be Sophie, can it? She just learned forty seconds ago that the castle was for sale.

21:27 “Ms. Brown has arrived,” announces Cary’s friend as Sophie walks up. “YOU’RE the royal arse?” “You’re the buyer?” And we finally get Cary’s name: he’s Miles, the twelfth Duke of Dunbar. Hobbies include being prickly to strangers and shooting a large rifle into the air for no apparent reason. Miles does not want to sell to the likes of Sophie.

23:00 Sophie reveals the family connection: “My family worked for yours.” “Try again,” Miles replies cryptically, and shoots his gun some more until she goes away. “You realize you just handed Dun Dunbar over to the BANK,” says the finance guy. Ooh, stakes are up. Dun Dunbar is in danger either way. Why not sell it to the beautiful American who wants to write her next novel there and to whom your dog is oddly attached, Miles? Perhaps she’ll even let you stay on in one of the twelve bedrooms.

23:32 Miles settles on a bar stool next to Sophie and says he’s had a change of heart and is going to sell her the castle. Did not see that coming so quickly. What’s going to be the new conflict between them? Maybe he’ll have some sexy conditions for the sale.

23:57 Miles: “If I agree to this, there are conditions.” One of the conditions is that she has to move in now, and he’s not going to move out. Also a nonrefundable 90-day escrow which is not sexy but maybe introduces a ticking clock to this relationship.

24:10 Miles: “This has nothing to do with you and me.” Sophie: “There is no you and me.” Miles: “Exactly.” He needs to know she’s going to take care of the old place and love it like he has. He hands her a contract, which I expect her to sign without reading, but she just takes the pen and looks at it. Good job, Sophie. Run it by your lawyer first.

25:29 Miles reveals his castle plan to his friend. Sophie will bolt when she realizes how much work castle upkeep requires. “I’ll make her life so miserable she’ll never want to see a castle again.” Miles will keep the deposit, which will hold off the bank a while longer.

26:15 Sophie’s daughter is appropriately concerned when told over FaceTime that her mom is buying a castle. “Of course, I have to live with HIM through Christmas,” Sophie grouses. Christmas! That’s the end of the 90 days. We have a castle. We have Christmas. We have Sophie and Miles talking about “you and me.” I fear this movie cannot keep up its pace and excellence, now that all the ingredients are assembled.

Okay, the frequency of these updates is getting ridiculous so I am going to try to watch for longer continuous stretches, even though I really want to share my feelings about each new development. I’ll be back in no less than five minutes.

32:30 So much has happened! Sophie is swathed in a gray scarf that you can just tell feels like an angel’s wing. Sophie told Miles about how her father chiseled his name into the doorframe 60 years ago, resulting in her grandfather getting fired from his caretaking job. Hamish the dog lured Sophie into the bathroom where Miles was soaking nude in the tub, as dukes do after a long day of castle caretaking.

This time I’m going to try to watch for TEN minutes with no update.

33:00 Sophie is wearing a beret! I’ll do better this time. No update until 43:00.

33:30 Just remembered it’s the middle of the night and I should probably try to sleep some more and resume at a normal waking hour.

Real-life normal waking hour: Excited to reunite with Sophie and Miles after so many wasted hours living my life. But when I pulled up the movie on Netflix, SPOILER, the splash screen showed Sophie and Miles looking all lovey-dovey at Christmas! My current prediction is that they’ll throw a celebration together at the castle for Christmas and invite the whole village. Angus the guy who’s heartbroken over his husband’s death will speak for the first time in a year, and his first words will be, “Christmas is about believing in love.” The village knitting club with the pastry chef will yarn-bomb all the turrets as Miles and Sophie share their first kiss. Now, back to the actual movie.

35:14 It’s only been three seconds since I restarted the movie but I feel compelled to tell you the village knitting club is ALREADY yarn-bombing the old phone booth. I am a holiday movie savant.

35:43 New development! Rona, the pastry chef, wants to chop off her hair and dye the remainder green. Sophie is an expert at hair coloring and styling because she lived upstairs from a barber as a child! Let’s do this.

36:17 We didn’t get to see Sophie’s hair magic happen, but the result is gorgeous. Is there nothing Sophie can’t do? Perhaps win the heart of a certain grumpy duke.

36:46 The knitters fix up Sophie’s cold, cold room with fluffy throws and bright blankets. I love this movie. Now I want Sophie’s wardrobe and her room.

37:24 Maisie the innkeeper has a tense exchange with Unnamed Castle Friend over furniture. “Maybe your memory’s fading,” she tosses off. “No,” he says meaningfully. “I remember everything.” Is this her ex-husband?? Will they platonically reconcile by the end of the movie and put aside their differences to support Sophie and Miles’ burgeoning romance?

Ten seconds later: It’s not her ex! They dated before she got married. So their reconciliation isn’t going to be so platonic! I love how all the side characters in this movie have their own thing going on.  Quick Googling break. Who wrote this utterly delightful movie? It’s Ally Carter, bestselling author of the Gallagher Girls books among others, and Kim Beyer-Johnson, whose extensive screenwriting credits include My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic which I unironically love. Ally and Kim, may you have long and fruitful careers.

38:30 The knitting club members reveal Miles’ heart of gold, informing Sophie that their families are all tenants on his land, and he’s dealing with a mountain of debt because his father squandered the family riches. Miles is selling the castle to make sure the tenants’ homes are secure. He’s exactly like Shrek.

38:47 Sophie’s ex-husband is getting remarried on Christmas, and her daughter will be at the wedding instead of at the castle with Sophie! Poor Sophie. Miles overhears her plight when he walks in during a mom-daughter video call, and they have a sweet conversation where he admits he also came to the castle to pull himself back together post-divorce.

43:27 I’m trying to restrain myself from recounting every single line, but Sophie just proposed that she and Miles throw a village Christmas celebration at the castle. Called it! Also, when Sophie brings Miles to “the pub,” it’s what I thought was the lobby of the B&B. That explains why the knitting club is always hanging out there. There’s only one public building in this town and everything is in it. There’s probably a grocery store in the basement. There don’t appear to be any minors in this town so they don’t need a school. (Maisie is the only non-white person in case you’re wondering. ETA: a few more show up in the background at the Christmas celebration.)

57:23 Miles and Sophie have ridden horses, danced at a pub, and had a long conversation with their faces two inches away from each other about how they weren’t dating. But when the story is mainly about them and the castle, as opposed to the villagers, you basically know what all the beats are. Still satisfying. Also Unnamed Friend is Thomas.

1:01:59 A sinister-looking couple has taken the last room at the B&B. Maisie asks for their name and they intone, “Donatelli.” Scene break. Donatelli! They’re the Commissioners of Orphans in New York City, here to investigate why Annie was in the laundry chute! No, that’s Fratelli, and it’s from Annie Live which I was watching the night before. I don’t know why Donatelli is supposed to be significant. Maybe they’re evil bankers?

With ten minutes left in the movie, not a lot of updates to catch you up on – they’re together, they’re apart, they’re together, they break up, grand gesture, they’re together. But who are the Donatellis? Maybe they’ll show up at the last minute to set fire to the entire castle, and the movie will end with a closed book and a narrator saying, “And that was how the fire of love led to the burning of Dun Dunbar.”

Movie ends! We will never know what was up with the sinister Donatellis. But we love looking at Brooke Shields and her soft, fluffy clothes.